Will there be enough female monsters in Diablo 3? Stillman peeks into the demons’ locker room showers and exposes the truth. It’s yet another revelation, people. Can you handle the truth? The first paragraph is below. Click through for the rest.

    Fallen in Love

    The Fallen have been around since Diablo I providing players with some very easy noob fodder. Most RPGs (and a few Disney movies) have these goblinoid type of creatures who are incredibly easy for starting heroes off on their killing sprees. Such monsters usually lack the magic to escape into a safe fairy plain like the little elves from folk lore they are partly based on. This makes it all the more easy for players to drunken their swords with impish blood. Ah, but how do they provide the numbers for entertaining the masses? Well, having such high populations, Fallen spend much of their time breeding as described in their lore. But the strange thing is, we never see any females. Ew.

    <img src="http://diablo.incgamers.com/gallery/data/500/the_little_things.JPG"

    Breeding is just part of their lore, and Fallen indeed have a load of creative lore behind them (with some confusion or discrepancy about who exactly they work for). Fallen lore is kind of sad, actually. Diablo rendered these once glorious demons small and puny for their insubordination and aid with the Dark Exile. But if the Fallen have been rejected already, why don’t they just quit and leave their posts? Maybe they could buy some farm land and settle down with the family? What is Diablo going to do, turn them into fire ants? But the biggest question of all remains: where are the hoards of female Fallen?

    The answer may always elude us. What I mentioned was only the Diablo 2 lore. For all we know, Blizzard could cross a few t’s and say the Diablo 3 Fallen simply pop into existence as all male armies hell bent on shining your shoes while you pee on them. In the newer lore, Fallen can be found carving shivs into smaller shivs, and so on.

    Lore aside, we all know their real purpose: They are just there to get slaughtered with great ease. It’s as simple as that. Maybe killing females in mass is too edgy for Blizzard these days. Despite being on steroids this time around, Fallen are still too short and naked to put up any sort of challenge to any regular hieght person. As if to drive this point home, the Fallen Lunatics even stab themselves and explode to make things easier. Like red blood cells, Fallen are doomed to die in service of a greater entity. Their only purpose is to gush blood faster than a fire hydrant. They are going to get eaten alive like Nerds candy. Could this mean no female evil eye candy is allowed to appear in the game just because their slaughter is too controversial? 

    Or maybe the poor Fallen are already bullied enough. Females joining their fighting ranks would just add to the humiliation. Part of the Fallens’ purpose is to actually be laughed at by Azmodan. I take it players are meant to join in laughing too. But it makes me wonder, if these monsters are so childlike and easy anyway, then why not put in some female Fallen just for the hell of it? The nature of the game (i.e. fire hosing easy enemies at players) dictates that Diablo 3 is going to be like killing an orphanage. But does it have to be an all boys school?

    Perhaps all this easy killing (of males only I might add) is understandable because of the spectrum of difficulty most games tend to administer. The Fallen are, after all, likely going to be among the easiest monsters in the game. This will serve to make the troopers in later stages look far more menacing. Well if the weaker monsters are going to be suicidal red Smurfs, then man oh man, those end game monsters have got to be…just…wow, I mean…they’re going to just…I’m telling you, when they…well, they better be pretty badass is what I’m saying. Like, what about this dual wielding Chainsaw Turret Bear who travels time to launch baby Hitlers with Medusa heads at you?


    What, you can’t bring yourself to hurt a little baby? Well you better, or else! Or, how about this Act 4 regular monster:


    It’s a snowstorm. Good luck trying to kill one of those. Or, what about this Armored Galaxy:


    Killing the galaxy you live in means obliterating yourself too, of course, and there would be fifty clones of it attacking you at once. It would also be nice to see some powerful end game female monsters because in Diablo 2, the females were mostly sissy Act I girls.

    In all fairness, there were many female opponents in Diablo 2, and they were easy because most monsters were designed as such.  Some were actually challenging, though. There were Grotesque demons that gave birth to hungry offspring as you fought them. Those were definitely female. They had jiggly things; what more proof do you need?  There were even egg laying Maggots and bosses like Andariel and Blood Raven. So Diablo 3 could have female monsters too….maybe. Here we have concept art for a female Cultist on the far left:


    But in the Monk Trailer, these androgynous veiled Cultists look only ‘kind of’ feminine. They are also flat chested?a statistical impossibility for female characters in computer games. Anyone know what the hell gender they are? Then there is the light blue ‘Diablo’ boss art from Broadway. Maybe Diablo 3 is kind of like a Kids in the Hall sketch.

    Admit it, you are as confused as I am. The official quote from Bashiok on gender in Diablo 3 can be paraphrased as such: ?We want total equality for everyone, no matta-wut. We really, REALLY want to sell some boxes. By god, we’re going to have heroes achieving things in wheelchairs as an option in this game if that’s what it takes. You can also run for president in Diablo 3…even if you’re a chick. Perfect gender equality stat-wise works out great for us anyway because we totally hate having to balance things. Just look at Diablo 2. It’s too much work, man.? Ok, so where are all the female monsters then? I don’t see a single one besides the Mistress of Pain.

    Maybe the Fallen have one queen who really puts out. But even if Diablo 3 is completely devoid of female foes, the fornicating Fallen still serve a valuable purpose. Sometimes in Diablo 2, you could be exploring screen after screen and not see any monsters. It happened occasionally and was annoying given the hundreds of hours players spend running around trying to progress. Well in Diablo 3, the Fallen will likely prevent this from happening. The mobs in Diablo 3 appear to be bigger, and the Fallen lore supports their spawning in large groups. This should provide more action and less boredom. They may be ridiculously easy prey, but trust me, they are better than nothing. They just won’t have anyone to love. 


    If Blizzard wants to scare us (and they do), then I would say their best bet is making us meet the missus of each monster, or at least just the Fallen. It might not happen though because killing too many women is bad press (and they want to sell boxes). But note how the enemies are already out of shape, or too small and low to the ground, disorganized, and all of them are naked, so Blizzard may as well have women and children in there too. The Fallen fight like girls anyway, so why not?  So I finish with the same question I started with: where are all the female Fallen? We know they were not hiding out in the Den of Evil. Perhaps they inhabit the Pit of Darkness?

    Opinions expressed in columns and guest articles are those of their authors, and not necessarily those of Diii.net.

    Stillman’s Slab is where all Diablo characters are dissected and examined piece by piece. It is written by Nicholas Stillman to reintroduce Diablo series topics in a new light or put forth novel themes that have not been fully explored in the forums. Slurry collected from the centrifuge will always contain something new and unheard of at the time of publication. Post your comments below or directly.

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