It is Friday; Time for some silliness.  The Cultists who created the Thousand Pounder somehow got themselves blown up in the process. Maybe they were celebrating Ash Wednesday. This week’s Slab chops up the new age enemy and discovers that the real shoddy spell casting is a thing of the past.

    Accepting Stillman as your savior is all you need to gain entry to eternal paradise. Click through below to avoid eternal torture.

    Cultists, Why We Need Them

    You cannot help but wonder what those mysterious Cultist guys are doing. Drinking nail polish and castrating choir boys, probably. Burning embassies, throwing rocks at infidels, orchestrating mass suicides, you know, the usual stuff. Condemning condom use, burning effigies of the current US president, etc. Making videos of a Cultist touching a slow person’s head as they pretend to collapse, marrying off 12 year old girls to hicks who already have 10 wives, that sort of thing. Or, maybe they will just make youtube videos. Whatever Cultists do in Diablo 3, we will be there to stop them. This week I examine one of Blizzard’s best choices for a new monster design. Is Blizzard allowing us to vent our political and ethical frustrations on the new Cultist villains?

    More than likely, Diablo just needs some devoted followers. Blizzard has been dabbling in devil worship for quite some time. Observe Blackthorne(1994):

    Diablo I had Mages like Advocates, but no enemies really stand out as obvious devil worshipers more so than the Cultists of Diablo 3. They probably should have been around in Diablo 2 as staple ingredient bottom feeders who serve the red deity and make human sacrifices. We see evidence of sacrifices in the current Diablo games, but where are the creeps with candles who did it? It is about time a Diablo game started showing masses of hooded worshiper perverts.   

    These Cultists not only fit in perfectly to the Diablo world, but they are among the more frightening and menacing adversaries. Cultists, the Unburied, trees with green goop inside, Berserkers and the Siegebreaker are not only monstrously evil looking, but are also quite original in comparison to what Diablo 2 served up. Ghosts, Mummies, Giant Spiders, and Vampires in Diablo 2 have been the standard monsters found in black and white movies from over half a century ago. We may as well be fighting people with white sheets draped over themselves who say ?boo.? Diablo 3 is finally creating some newer monstrosities that are fresh and appealing.

    Cultists are among this new lineup of monsters never seen before in a Diablo game. But they are also special because they seem a little more real than the usual gang of supernatural opponents. Even though they are demons, Cultists’ outer appearance may remind us of the utterly terrifying Klu Klux Klan from our own world, or worse!


    I am afraid already.

    Seriously, we could really use some more fear, especially in the magic department. Enemy magic in Diablo 2 was just too easy to overcome. You could essentially stand in fire and get shot at with all the magic the game could throw at you by simply increasing your resistances. The Diablo 3 Gameplay Video, however, showed a trap that rendered players immovable while enemies piled up on them mercilessly. It is the type of magic players will write about in mass complaints to Blizzard for unfairly killing their characters. Perfect!

    With this sort of power out there in the bad streets of Sanctuary, Cultists have the potential to be far more serious threats than any magic users we have seen thus far. In the Diablo 3 Gameplay Video, we see them orchestrating bigger conjurations (like spawning a Thousand Pounder mini boss) that typical Diablo mobs cannot do. It will be interesting to see if they have a greater role in the Diablo 3 plot. They should at least leave a trail of Abd al-Hazir’s guts for us to find or documentation of other old farts they have euthanized.  [Please let it be Cain.] In any case, the most dangerous attribute of Cultists is their organization, cleverness, and group work. Cultists are also one of the few monster types who make sense looking identical to one another; they all belong to a cult and therefore don the same standard issue robes.

    And who knows what they are wearing underneath those purple robes. Black crotchless panties, probably. Maybe Prince designed them. I am no fashion guru, but I do know two things that look terrible: 1-Those jean skirts girls wear which make them look like they escaped as a serial killer started wrapping them in tarp, and 2-All purple is what you wear if you are openly questioning your sexuality.

    They are not without some more serious flaws, however. Cultists are much like the team working on Diablo 3, actually. They sure take their time. I wish I could say those Cultists can take you down faster than you can say ?Danish cartoon.? But alas, they are too slow on the initiative. In the Diablo 3 Gameplay Video, they just stand there while the Barbarian goes over and kills most of them! Last week, I examined the sheer glory [sarcasm] of this supreme warrior as he takes down foes who cannot possibly defend themselves: 30 pound skeletons, waddling bloated zombies who stare at the ceiling hoping a weapon might be found up there, smurf sized monsters, and so on. The only way monsters could be easier is if they just stood there mumbling as you go over and kill them.


    And that is what some Cultists do (Dark Vessels, specifically). Hopefully, they will shape up when the game comes out in 2012 when they predict the world will end. That is, if the world does not end in 2010 or 2011 which is also predicted. 

    With so many Cultists inevitably getting slaughtered, I wonder what sort of loot they will drop…


    Then again, they look like they are in the poorhouse. This Cultist picture looks like Tom Waits thumbing a ride:


    Rich or poor, we need Cultists in a Diablo game for many reasons: they fit in as religious fanatics that the big boss Diablo would logically have, they are more realistic than mythical bogymen and are therefore scarier, and they are insane. We can also be assured that there will be loads of them to cut down in Diablo 3, whereas casters in Diablo 2 tended to be a rare sight. Most importantly, we can all vent our anger on them by beating them into a pile of red juice. Hey, all I’m saying is that there are many people out there who seem to be missing their foreskin, and, well, maybe they and their girlfriends are angry about it. Well Diablo 3 is for you! We may not get to destroy many pixel forms of politicians or royal family members, but Cultists are a great start. We will probably enjoy the Cultists’ presence in Diablo 3…as long as they do not go door to door threatening you with eternal torture until you convert.


    Opinions expressed in columns and guest articles are those of their authors, and not necessarily those of Diii.net.

    Stillman’s Slab is where all Diablo characters are dissected and examined piece by piece. It is written by Nicholas Stillman to reintroduce Diablo series topics in a new light or put forth novel themes that have not been fully explored in the forums. Slurry collected from the centrifuge will always contain something new and unheard of at the time of publication. Post your comments below or directly.

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