It’s December, and I’m going to find out who’s nerdy and nice. The Sorceress never had much to say, but you could tell she was a really nice girl compared to the stuck up Wizard. And while she was loads of fun to play as you skipped over 99% of the game with level 1 Teleport, is there anything Blizzard should stave off before handing the s torch over to the next nerd? Check out this weeks Slab intro and click through to read the rest.
The Sorceress is great fun despite looking terrible in all the Diablo 2 helmets. Looking bad while being successful is the whole point when being small and nerdy. After all, Harry Potter doesn’t look good in anything. But maybe the girls will dig Harry when he gets, well, hairy. The point is, judging from the number of substance abusers and wolf men I keep encountering in the hospital, women in real life do not like nerds or the way nerds look. If they did, they would reproduce with nerds, and I would encounter no one in the hospital. Diablo 2 gets revenge by turning young women into the nerds they hate so much, and that is how we get the Sorceress. Playing Diablo 2 is like living out the Revenge of the Nerds movie…without Gilbert but keeping the fireball. What could be more fun that that?
But in the movie, the fireball burned down the house, similar to the Sorceress’ overpowered skills burning down the whole game…
Swigging all that hard liquor to spit out the fireballs has made her drunk with power. And sure, it’s fun. The Sorceress is almost as fun as that time a girl showed up at work who looked like the Amazon. Too much fun is bad though, and Diablo 2 is now dealing with the very massive hangover demons that arise when one character’s skills take over all of battle.net.
Frankly, Teleport alone wrecks the entire game. Even if everything else in Diablo 2 was perfect and balanced, teleport would undo all that work just like it always has. So we’ll just add that to the list of things they should hopefully be working on for patch 1.13.
They could also give us some more options in the cold tree besides the Blizzard skill. I know it’s the name of their company and everything, but Jeeze. I tried making a Glacial Spike Sorceress, I really did. But once you start maxing the Blizzard synergy for Glacial Spike, well, the temptation to use Blizzard for its massive area of effect (AoE) damage is overwhelming. Let’s face it; the Cold Skill tree may as well look like this:
In fact, in the early days of Diablo 2, I never saw much point in playing anything besides a Sorceress. Static Field was just insane. What were they thinking? Why use a Paladin in those days, clicking on one quill rat at a time, when a Sorceress can wipe out everything with one click? The lesson from overpowered skills: ignore every class except the Sorceress. Ignorance is blissful, and fun.
So to coerce players into actually picking a Paladin or something, Blizzard came up with many band aid solutions over the years. Enigma gave everyone the power to teleport, and Blizzard knew full well that the duping problem would mean loads of Enigmas and loads of fun for everyone at the cost of a completely broken game. And why stop there? It’s possible to get level 50 skills now. Mana is now obsolete with the cheaper-than-moonshine Insight runeword. Resistances? Don’t worry about them…ever again because a torch an Annihilus will save the day. Immunes are not an issue either because Infinity renders them antiquated (and there is absolutely no reason not to use Infinity, AND there is no alternative item to pick from when you tire of it). Mephisto’s lair was made enormous, which was kind of dumb and pointless since anyone can skip it all anyway. Our damage is cut in half in Hell mode with all the monsters’ resistances set at around 50, yet the Sorceress’ damage output has increased to 50k and rising. Wouldn’t it be better to just not let the damage inflate that high in the first place? I can’t help but think all these failed band aid solutions were preventable if they had just put a simple 5 second casting delay on Teleport! But really, all this easy stuff was handed over to us because it makes the game more ?fun?.
If the goal is fun, how about giving the Sorceress some golems instead of the Necromancer hogging them all when he has no need for them with his huge army? It would save her from having to run away all the time like the gingerbread man she kind of resembles:
Now that’s a cookie cutter. Or how about giving utility spells like Telekinesis some serious damage to give us more options in the skill trees? Can’t Thunder Storm call a lightning bolt more often than your first ex wife calling to ask forgiveness? And why are these such tough calls to make when the game is broken anyway? Who cares, man. Give us some new builds to try, please! The Sorceress is already flying higher than an eagle, so why not make some of her crappy skills get up to par? Hmmm…higher than an eagle; that reminds me of something (not high school). It must be items like the eagle orb which render two handed staves obsolete. Or maybe…
Despite her destroying everything in a bird’s eye view (including the whole game), everything else about the Sorceress is done right. She is not as good looking as the Amazon, but what she lacks in eye candy she makes up for in nerd candy.
And even better: at least she is not cheesecake like some Gandalf figure or other old geezer. I like a mage who doesn’t require Polygrip to keep her teeth in when hit with knockback. It seems there is just one hitch: she is overpowered. But at least you can tell she is friendly through all her nerdy necessities, unlike the condescending Wizard who can be a real hitch sometimes.
I have already covered the Wizard in length, but I will cut into her briefly here just to show how Blizzard is setting things right with Diablo 3. This is a transcript I came up with in my head to summarize:
Blizzard: No more Jesus food, I mean potions. Instead, there will be Jesus globes. Big difference: you drink ‘em automatically.
Sorceress fans: kk
Blizzard: See, with auto stats you can no longer be a big bag of hit points. You’re all going to die in Diablo 3 unless you play smart, ha ha.
Sorceress fans: Um…you mean just for the Archivist, right?
Blizzard: Oh, and immunes are in Diablo 3.
Sorceress fans: Awwww.
Blizzard: And there’s a casting delay on Teleport.
Sorceress fans: Surely you jest?
Blizzard: And you will need to use five skills or so, not just one spammable spell.
Sorceress fans: But…but…
Blizzard: Oh, and can y’all come up with a new resource system to replace mana?
Obviously, the ultimate solution is to not make the mage class too much fun in the first place. If they make her right from day one, keeping the Pandora box closed this time, then they won’t need a bunch of band aid solutions like Enigma and synergies to compensate other classes for her extreme power. It’s really not fun at all knowing that you fall behind on the ladder for not picking the class that has limitless teleporting. When you work on a crossword puzzle it kind of sucks that you need a computer to look up obscure names of tennis players, and Playing Diablo 2 these days likewise requires you to look up obscurities. You pretty much have to learn the history of all the band aid solutions that revolve around teleport and overpowered AoE damage which all started with the Sorceress. She sure is a unique gal in the Diablo universe. Who else wears green and ninjas your loot?
Ok, I’ll stop. I promise. And yes, I know Michaelangelo’s bandanna is orange, not yellow. And, he is a party dude.
Opinions expressed in columns and guest articles are those of their authors, and not necessarily those of Diii.net.
Stillman’s Slab is where all Diablo characters are dissected and examined piece by piece. It is written by Nicholas Stillman to reintroduce Diablo series topics in a new light or put forth novel themes that have not been fully explored in the forums. Slurry collected from the centrifuge will always contain something new and unheard of at the time of publication. Post your comments below or directly.