Dead Fish #3, by Brother Laz


Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to Laz Radio broadcasting from the spires of Ureh, a city supposed to lie at the foot of a huge mountain and not inside it. But we know Blizzard likes to reuse ideas from classic Blizzard games and they can’t just let all that work on Old Ironforge go to waste.

The fact that in the real world it would be tactically much more useful to build the city on top of the mountain, or at least at the bottom, but not halfway up is unimportant. The enemies in the vibrant mundus novus of Diablo III would be too busy tripping over their shoulderpads and holding podraces around Caldeum to bother attacking it anyway.

‘We gotz us dem spinnaz shieldz, dawg’

Are those big shoulderpads realistic? Someone posted concept art of Diablo 1 as comparison and pointed out that the warrior had a huge gladiator’s shoulderpad on the concept image, which explains why the barbarian’s shoulderpads in Diablo III look like his vehicle mode is a snow tractor.

The fact that concept art is not the same thing as ingame art, unless you’re cheap and use your 3D models as concept art like a certain game company in ‘99, escapes them. Or the fact that the ingame warrior had, in fact, green skin, which may be a slightly bigger violation of reality than those shoulderpads.

Anyway, should shoulderpads be big? Opponents claim that the giant spiked shoulderpads as seen in Diablo III would be a liability in combat, unless you can run over people with them or if the spikes are rockets. Of course, so would the dead grizzly bear on the shoulder of the druid in Diablo 2, but that one just didn’t have as much visual impact at a resolution of about five pixels across.

Also, there will probably be more than one shoulderpad graphic, so you can equip your character with small or big ones according to your taste and sensibilities. Just be aware that the best unique ones will probably be the ones with the flaming horned demon heads on them, so I hope you prefer big ones.

‘You can see the blood on your armor!’

When you crit an enemy in melee, its blood and guts splatter all over your armor.

I suppose if you are a ranged character, the blood will leap over to you. Otherwise everyone will scream that Blizzard totally loves melee, supported by the example of the classic D2 barbarian between 1.03 and 1.05 and the D1 warrior who completely outperformed the other two classes right up until the sorcerer got his first fire wall book, and how this is another blow to the witchdoctor.

Don’t worry, I heard the witchdoctor will get a diving helmet, umbrella and a cuckoo clock backpack, so it’s okay.

‘A T

Tagged As: | Categories: Retired Columns

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