Just Discovered: Removed NPC Comments

    Recently a group of seriously addicted and underemployed Diablo II aficionados were invited to visit Blizzard headquarters and receive unprecedented access to the original program development files and various beta versions. I wasn?t in this group, but I have access to the internet, and I read all this stuff there, so it must be legit. Anyway, a great deal has already been written about the ?nearly was? aspects of the D2 official release; things originally in the game code but removed at some point during development or testing. A great deal having been said rarely keeps me from adding some more, so how about this: numerous idiosyncrasies and traits of the townsfolk NPCs were lost to the cutting room floor before D2?s grand premier! And I have them here for you to read! Gogo useless trivia!

    It turns out quite a lot was removed in order to save a little space and make the program smaller and more manageable. Beta testers complained that talking to Charsi often resulted in extreme lag while the graphics loaded, and Blizzard swore they would eliminate any such problem. The code space saved was used instead to beef up Duriel?s and Lister?s load graphics. The townsfolk were originally supposed to be much less predictable, with a variety of speech and intro options. Here are some of the lost ones:

    Charsi: Originally Charsi was supposed to have a different greeting for each character class, similar to her enthusiastic greeting to the Barbarian.

    [*]To Paladins: ?Wow! Are you a virgin??
    [*]To Druids: ?Look, you can?t just pee anywhere you want, you have to use the latrine like everyone else, OK? Jesus, were you raised in a barn??
    [*]To Amazons: ?Wow! Are those real??
    [*]To Assassins: ?Yeah, I knew some Goths in High School. Never got into it much myself, but hey, to each their own.?
    [*]To Sorceresses: ?Look, I told you once already, I don?t have any goddam orbs.?
    [*]To Necromancers: ?Oh gross.?

    Kashya:  If you think she?s just a little too intense, just a little too angry now, you should have seen her in the pre-release version. When assigning you the Blood Raven quest: ?This is an abomination! Blood Raven is defiling our graveyard! That complete biotch!?

    And if you clicked on her when she didn?t have that glowing question mark thingy above her head, she politely indicated that she would rather be left alone by saying ?Touch me again and draw back a stump, loser.?

    Cain: It turns out that the voice actor who did Cain?s narrations did not follow the script at all. Its all very hush hush around the Bliz HQ, but apparently he was drunk, and thus we have to live with rambling nearly incoherent musings of what is supposed to be a great Horadric wizard. Go figure.

    Jehran: His ubiquitous leadership position in Lut G was originally a bit more tyrannical, but Blizzard made him softer and more palatable for the official release, foreshadowing Blizzard?s treatment of every aspect of the game to come.

    ?When the troubles began, I invited the harem girls to stay in the palace. Lets be honest, I had been looking for an excuse to do this for some time. I mean, its good to be the King, right? Damn straight. Anyway, it?s all hosed up now, demons and what not, and I?m about as frustrated as a teenaged boy in a nude mannequin shop.?

    Meshif: This one got squashed early, but apparently Meshif is pretty?flexible in his negotiations for ship rides: ?Jehran tells me I should take you to Kurast. Of course, Jehran tells me a lot of pointless things. Anyway, ship?s a bit crowded, don?t know if I can fit you in. I might be able to squeeze you into my cabin?if you were?interested? All depends how badly you want to get up river, if you know what I mean.?

    Andariel: Andariel doesn?t have a big speaking role, and never did, but sources in the know report that she was supposed to have a strap-on to match her nipple chain, but Walmart protested. C?est la vie.

    Atma: We are all familiar with this woman?s wretched story of bitterness and revenge seeking. She originally went into a bit more detail about her?feelings. ?I haven?t felt the touch of a man in over a year. So lonely, so ? lonely.?

    I have more, but Bliz got word of this article and made some vague hints about account deletion and CD banning, so I?m not gonna push it.

    Disclaimer: Bone App?tit is and written by Osteomata (Jack Likens) and hosted by Diii.net. The views expressed in this column are those of the author, and are not necessarily the opinions of Diii.net.

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