Bone Appetit #4: Dear Cousin Atma

Dear cousin Atma,

Hey girl! I hope all is well with you, things are going pretty good here. OK, maybe not so great, but you know me, always look on the bright side! Anyway, the weather kinda sucks, (lotsa rain) but that’s OK, I work indoors most of the time. OH OH OH, did I tell you?! I met the neatest guy yesterday! He’s the big strong silent type [my type ]. I think he likes me cause he seems to make excuses to come see me. You know, fixing and buying stuff. “Charsi fix sword,” “Charsi gib me helmet” stuff like that. Yeah, I know I know, I haven’t always had the best of luck with those types, but I can’t help myself. It’s not like all of the guys I like could possibly skip town and head for Lut G, is it?

Anyway, it’s a nice change of pace from some of the other people giving me unwanted attention. If I have one more pasty freaky dude hit on me, I’m gonna be sick. At least that is better than those witches always wanting to talk to me. Standing there, caressing their staffs, staring at me, Christ I get enough of that kinda treatment from Kashya. Speaking of Miss Thing, she is all up in a snit since Blood Raven left. (You know their history) God, everything she says is so snide or catty. Everything is an “abmonination” with her, and “Welcome to our hovel” isn’t exactly a nice way to introduce yourself to the new arrivals in town, is it? I always try to give them a nice big “HI!” just to let them know not all of us are snooty. Unless they are one of those necrophiles, or whatever they call themselves. I just send them over to Miss Holier-Than-Thou at the other end of the camp. You know who I’m talking about.

Oh. My. God. You should have seen the one who arrived yesterday! Some woman from way down South (I think) anyway dressed like some kinda prostitute, hangin out of her skimpy little tunic, always jutting her chest out to get attention. I’m like, “Yeah, we can see you have breasts, OK, can you stop pointing them at everyone?” Anyway, I didn’t actually say anything, but she could tell I didn’t think much of her antics. OMG, Atma, you should see her butt, it is soooo big. And all she was wearing was a glorified thong! One of the minstrels in camp even wrote a song about her and her thong. Kinda catchy but I can’t remember the words.

OMG guess who I heard from yesterday?! Og, that guy from Arreat that I went out with last year. Can you believe it? He up and leaves with no warning, I get one letter from him six months ago, and out of the blue he writes me again asking for the same dang thing. “Send axes” he says. Jimminy Cricket! I sent them a hundred axes last time, what are they doing with them????

So how about you, cousin? Are you getting out some? I’m worried about you, you know. You have got to get over this thing, get out of that bar (you’re not still having those blackouts and forgetting to negotiate with the local merchants are you?), and meet some people! Carrying a torch is one thing, but you are letting it consume you! What about that Prince guy you were talking about, or one of the other merchants? Just try, Atma, please?

Uh oh, I have to get back to work cause old Mr. Im-a-powerful-wizard-but-I-can’t-do-didley-squat looks like he is heading this way for yet another goddam lengthy story. “Stay a while, and listen” my rear. Take care of yourself and tell me how things are!


PS: Hey, did I mention I got my favorite hammer back?! Guess who found it for me? (hint, he’s big and bald and doesn’t talk much. Wink Wink.)

Disclaimer: Bone App?tit is and written by Osteomata (Jack Likens) and hosted by The views expressed in this column are those of the author, and are not necessarily the opinions of

Tagged As: | Categories: Retired Columns


You're not logged in. Register or login to post a comment.