The psuedo-genus Homo Diablos (HD) has long been theorized as a probable evolutionary offshoot from our own genotype, but until recently we understood little of their culture or society. Through many months of observation and patient, careful interaction, I have garnered an extensive picture of the language, physiology, customs, and intertribal relationships of these nearly human primates. Ignored and avoided at first, my patient and non-threatening approach along the outskirts of a Diablos tribe eventual yielded unprecedented access into this closed society.Language
Homo Diablian language is a mixture of phonetic and representational (symbolic) structures, with obvious similarities to Middle English and Latin, but Finnish and Latvian influences cannot be ruled out. As an example, I was given the honorific “Noob” by several of the apparent elders of the tribe. While I have not been able to ascertain the origination of this title, it appears to be derived from the word “Nubian” and is likely a reference to my slightly tan skin, far darker than the typical Diablonese. The majority of Diablossians within the specific tribe I examined were extremely pale, a physiological trait caused by a combination of sunlight avoidance and poor diet, though possible genetic factors may be involved as well. In any case, word of my acceptance within the tribe spread rapidly, and nearly every member I encountered honored me with my Noob title. One of the tribe’s most common greetings is to say “I pwn u.” “I pwn u Noob” was the typical way a Diablican tribesman would greet me.
Gift giving plays an important part in HD society, and it is expected that one will offer some token upon each and every meeting. When not offered, it is not considered rude in the least to ask for a gift. A conversation would often progress along these lines:
Tribesman: “Gib itemz pleez” Translation: “Do you perchance have a gift for me in order to celebrate our meeting?”
Me: “K, wat?” Translation: “Certainly, is their anything in particular you would like?”
Tribesman: “WUG” Translation: Wonderful. What sort of things might you have to offer?”
(After showing him some items I had gathered during my time with the tribe, the tribe member would usually make it clear that the important thing was that I offered the gift, not that he accepted it.)
Tribesman: “That suxor! NOOB!” Translation: “I honor you Noob, and appreciate your offer of this gift, but you should keep it and use it instead.”[/INDENT]Tribal organizations
Diablians are broken down into several distinct tribes, with very little cross pollination between them. My tribe “Useest” was aware of, but displayed limited specific knowledge or interest in the nearest separate tribe “Uswezt.” Useestians consider their Usweztanese cousins to be somewhat inferior and primitive. “Uswezt uber-haxor,” they would say, meaning “I consider our Usweztanese cousins to be somewhat inferior and primitive.”Religion
An admixture of paganism and missionary Christianity, Diablianese worship a diverse pantheon of gods in a complex and even conflicting belief system. They have a god for luck called Emeff, who maintains a constant struggle with the evil representatives Mef and Pyndal. Other common Gods include “Rush,” “Occy,” “Ith “and “Wyndfours” (Note: possible Native American influence, see Winnebago), while the demon figures are most commonly represented by “Hak,” “Bot” and “Peekay.” A very controversial messiah figure is present within the pantheon, called “llO,” and it is with this figure that Christian missionary influence is most apparent. While not accepted by all of the Diablicanese, many believe that llO, also called “Patch,” will save the world from destruction, and will arrive very soon. Others reject llO, believing him to be either a myth or another self-appointed prophet who will, in the end, change nothing. Tribal structure: Within each tribe, stratified layers and classes exist, with no single class exhibiting dominance. Each has a given role or area of responsibility:
“Zons” are apparently tasked with raising and butchering the tribe’s herd of cattle, though this is a highly prized class assignment, and others frequently participate. I was invited to participate in the ritualistic slaughter of an entire herd, but was unable to ascertain my role. “Get leg Noob” they insisted, but my understanding of the primitive language was insufficient for comprehension. I tried all standard responses, including “WUG,” “?,” “:P,” and “1337” to no avail. Eventually the festival slaughter was cancelled, though everyone praised me for my attempt to participate. “NOOB!” they said, “NOOB!” Over and over.
“Babas” are the principle hunter/gatherers of the tribe, a task called “horking” in the Diablotian dialect. Babas are also tasked with giving out blessings in the form of wild, guttural screams. Babas and the “Sorks” are also the principle worshippers of the God Emeff, although Sorks are the high priestesses of “Rush” as well.
“Drudes” are considered the most holy class: Diablonese religion apparently precludes them from ever going to Hell, or at least not without the presence of a High Sork priestess.
“Sins” function is unclear, but it appears they may be the practical jokers of the tribe, frequently turning out all the lights in the room to the annoyance of other tribesman. I could see no other function they performed. Finally, “Nekos” are a rumored class, but I never actually saw one. Either this class was intentionally hidden from me, or they are similar to boogeyman, something used to scare young Diablian children.Reproduction
All Diablicans are male, and yet their population remains relatively stable in terms of raw numbers. Furthermore, the average age of a tribesman (eight) indicates some form of reproduction is occurring, but we have only theories as to how. Most of my colleagues favor the asexual reproduction (budding) hypothesis. This is supported by the frequent reference among Diablocanesians to “Dooping,” which I believe is crude slang for self-gratification. Diablotionesians were unwilling to clearly explain this, and became very indignant when pressed, even suggesting that there were, in fact, females among the tribe. “NOOB! I r girl!” several of them insisted. While this was a ludicrous suggestion, it may be explained by overzealous class association, as the “Zons,” “Sins” and “Sorks” wear ceremonial dress which is similar to that worn by Homo Sapien females.Editors note: Jane Goodall’s complete article may be purchased on eBay, just like everything else associated with this game.
Disclaimer: Bone App?tit is written by Osteomata (Jack Likens) and hosted by Diii.net. The views expressed in this column are those of the author, and are not necessarily the opinions of Diii.net.