Baranor’s Den #4: The Perfect Gamers’ Diet


The Perfect Gamers Diet

Good afternoon, evening, or morning to you all, wherever you may be. Today I would like to address your dietary habits. I know, I eat only seals and the occasional human polar explorer, me being a polar bear and all, but lets take a step further for a change? Obviously, I’m human, so I do not eat seals very often, and I certainly don’t eat other people. I do have some preferred foods during gaming. I shall explain why below, and I shall also show you the way to the Perfect Gamers Diet?. This is important. Without the Perfect Gamers Diet? you will not have that Perfect Gaming Experience (again, ?). And since we all want the Perfect Gaming Experience?, we must make sure we eat the right stuff. So, why is a healthy, good, balanced diet important?

Well, it is good for your blood pressure. This is important, as you already get enough stress from running Baal and Pindleskin. Yes, I know, it spikes when you find an nice item, that is normal. It is also important to keep your weight at a stable and acceptable level. Lots of people consider gamers to be a bunch of fat, lazy, no-life geeks. This stereotype has not faded with the years, even though we are all self-aware now. We keep in touch with our inner selves, and we are not fat, nor lazy. The WII for example takes a lot of energy, and we practice plenty on the WII Fit. Also,a good diet provides us with energy which is required to game. Do not underestimate the power of concentration, and the effects of a lack of concentration. You might miss hearing that “Lo” drop. You might not be first grabbing that all-important Unique Balrog Skin (of which you already have five, but you MUST GRAB IT regardless of whether you actually did something to earn it.) To perform headshots, deal as much DPS as possible, or in order to out-rush your foe with Zerglings? For that, you need focus, concentration and reflexes. So a good diet is very important. Also, when the food is balanced, it must be weighed against the time required to make it. Every second spent preparing food is a second not spend playing games. Play less means lose more time practicing, which means more stress because you lose, or are not as 1337 as the rest.

For a gamer, there are a number of recognized eating points during the day. First there is the ?Breakfast?. Depending on what time one went to bed, it can take place between nine in the morning and 12 o’clock. Food is usually quick, like pre-packed sandwiches or a bag of crisps, and preparation time is thus minimal. Then we have the ?Lunch?, which takes place between 12 and 3. Lunch can coincide with breakfast, called a Brunch. Food is comparable to that of a breakfast, but there is more chance of it being crisps. Somewhere between 4 and 10 we usually eat an evening dinner. This can vary in range from pizzas to salads and everything in between, as long as it is fast and furious. And then there is your Midnight Snack, that keeps you going through the night. In order to make a balanced diet we need to make sure we compare the good and bad sides regarding possible elements of that diet, and strikeout those that are not as good. So, without further ado, I present you with a few do’s and do not’s for the Perfect Gamers Diet (Yes, again, ?).

Good things to include in your diet are the following:

Water
Good: A basic need. Everyone needs to drink. Since we are not on a heavy exercise program, we only need the basic amount of water to survive. Say? two litres a day should be enough. Plus, it cleans the body. A definite bonus!
Bad: Water, in large quantities, makes you go to the toilet. You always need to go though, so it is not that bad, but don?t overdo!
Rating: 4 out of 5

Coffee        
Good: That miracle liquid. It can take the place of water, and it will increase your concentration and keep you awake during cold lonely nights. More time to game, so definitely a good part of your diet. Just don’t overdo on the latte or the suger! BAAAD!
Bad: Makes you nervous, and can induce paranoia due to stress. Plus, it raises the blood pressure.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Beer
Good: Beer is a good one too. Lots of calories, so that’s a plus because you do not need anything else, plus slightly intoxicating. It helps to use beer, so that you forget you just missed grabbing that all-important ZOD rune (WTF! I MISSED A ZOD! NOOBS! GIB ZOD!).
Bad Toxic side-effects are not uncommon or unknown. Calory uptake is really high. Plus, beer makes you run to the toilet. A lot.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Salad
Good: The first non-liquid food. Salads are easy to make, are good for you, and fill. Plus, they increase bowel movement and waste disposal from certain orifices. This is again a good thing since we do sit most of the day and that’s rather bad for the plumbing system.
Bad: Takes some time to make. Not much, but still, some, unless you pre-order which is a bad idea anyway.
Rating: 4 out of 5, 2 out of 5 if pre-ordered.

Salmon + salad  
Good: Add in Salmon and you have a regular meal, made in ten minutes, tastes good, filled with nutrients and who could be without fish anyway?
Bad: At least ten minutes are lost preparing this meal. BAAHAAD! BAAAHAD! Time is precious!
Rating: 3 out of 5.

Oxygen
Good: You need it to breathe, and more of it makes you function better as a whole. Get a bottle!
Bad: Well, erm, without it you can?t breathe? You can do without the bottle though.
Rating: 5 out of 5.

Pizza
Good: Pizza is ideal. Vegetables (tomato,onion), some sort of bread-like substance (a “bottom”), and above all, it can be delivered, hot and ready, to your doorstep. No ten minute breaks here, just order pizza from the net whilst someone else is running to Baal or planning an assault on ventrillo. Easy-peasy.
Bad: Pizza+Keyboard = grease. Pizza+ mouse = mess. Pizza is fattening, pizza is bad for you. Pizza is evil. Not just evil, but ?PIIIZZAAAAHH I-I-IS BAAHAA-HAA-HAAD? (garbad-the-weak-pronounciation please)-bad.
Rating: 2 out of 5

Crisps
Good:  Like mini-pizza, provided you went with Bolognese, in a bag. Ideal.
Bad: Has the same problems as the pizza, but lacks the vegetable matter found on that same pizza.
Rating: 1 out of 5.

Apples
Good: It might amaze people, but apples contain vitamins, and vitamins help keep you awake during those gaming nights and days, Very good for you!
Bad: Apples leave cores. Cores mean walking towards the bin. Of course, if your bin happens to be in the same room and does not have a lid, you can attempt to improve hand-eye coordination by tossing the core into the bin. This is a good thing. Apples, therefore, even have good sides on their bad sides.

Conclusion: The Perfect Gamers Diet? consists of all things rated 4 out of 5 or better. This would be water, oxygen, salad, apples and erm, that?s about it. Incidentally, this coincides with a healthy diet according to nutricians, provided you order the occasional all-meat pizza in order to get some other nutrients. So what are you waiting for? Stop reading, and start eating the Perfect Gamers Diet ? so that you can have the Perfect Gamers Experience?… Plus, you can finally dispel the myth that we gamers live unhealthy lives.


Baranor’s Den is a weekly column that explores all things RPG and fantasy, with a special focus on the Diablo series. Views expressed in this column are those of the author, and not necessarily those of Diii.net. Leave your comment after the column, or email Baranor directly.

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